Beautiful Weather

Tri-color European Beech tree in my front yard in Michigan

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The cookie lady's front yard, the only yard she has.

The terrible storms we had sent a lightening strike down in the heart of the city and hit an electrical box, so there is no electricity in the stores. This is sidewalk sale weekend and many stores cannot play, they are dark and closed.

Went to lunch today at the Woodbridge Pub by the Wayne State football field and it was a fun thing to do. Good food, reasonable prices and time spent with Punkin Head. Went to Brooks Brothers for Big Daddy to get some clothes, still needs some shirts but I remembered the handkerchiefs, a must in China with the heat, mop your head equipment.

Thursday we went to Somerset and I got some fat clothes and we had lunch with my BBF, don't I sound just like Paris Hilton, and I saw that even tho I am fat I am not the fattest, by far. And tramps here dress just like Chinese tramps, they will just never be that thin and still have some muscles. I saw one really thin girl with no muscles in her arms and calves and I thought, shit I could snap you like a twig. I do not understand why they think that look is so attractive.

Teeth still hurt pretty bad, I am starting to worry. Rinsing with salt water, don't know if that is a good thing or just an old wives tale. Whatever.

Going to visit MIL tomorrow so I am glad I saved the best pain pills. Just joking but it is a horrible car ride. And I am taking wine. Punkin Head picked out 2 reds, a Tribunal from Sonoma County and one called Los Vascos, a Cabernet from Chile, we will see tomorrow.

Big Daddy has to do steaks Monday as that is the last day I can chew, I am excited.

More Toilet stories

This is Eliot, Punkin Head's other cat, the cat from Hell, and I have the scratches to prove it.

Well as usual when I arrived home there were problems with the house. The toilet I had rebuilt a few months ago would not flush. And it needed a new seat and lid. The toilet in the basement was auditioning for a horror movie. The lights in the laundry room were both haunted and loose.

Big Daddy jumped in to tackle the problems and proved he still needs me. He did quite well on his chores until he got to the replacement toilet seat. He took it off and then informed us we would have to be Chinese people if we had bodily function needs. I then inquired as to what the hell he thought he was doing. He was going to put new hardware on the old toilet seat. This is a wooden seat purchased about 15 years ago. Of course I told him that was the stupidest thing I have ever heard of. Then we heard a lot of noise in the basement, kinda like power tool noises. Then he came upstairs and told me he was going to buy a new toilet seat. Then Mr. Color Blind went to the smallest little store in town and bought a pink seat that is too big for a peach 1950's toilet. So I went to pee and could not flush the toilet. Big Daddy says I do not know how to flush the toilet properly. Now I will admit I have a Toto toilet in China (best toilet in the world) but come on, I have been flushing for a good many years. Now it takes a goodly amount of force to flush this toilet. I am predicting new toilet pieces in the near future.

Teeth are killing me so more pain pills have been consumed. I am supposed to go shopping tomorrow, we will see.

Oh and the car Sync did not work on BD's phone.

It just keeps on

Punkin Head's cat, Noir, in real life she has yellow green eyes. She will rub against you but you are not allowed to pick her up. That is a big no-no.

Dental visit went to hell real quick. The area is too raw and angry for work and the dentist is kinda of a DENTAL GOD, he cannot understand why this is painful and then his assistant leaned down and told me he has never has any dental work and therefore does understand pain. And his father pulled his own teeth.

Big Daddy is on the phone to Delta Airlines to schedule me back  to land of propaganda on his flight. They fucked up the flights so they should pay for me to go home, this is of course thinking like a proper government type official. Obama screwed up the Bachorlette on regular television last night with his speech. That pissed me off, we know it is fucked up, get off the TV and fix it.  I have never seen the Bachorlette on a real TV screen before and I was amazed, people look different on a real TV.  My local TV news station people all look like they just returned from filming "Night of the Living Dead", these folks need a skin care regime.

BD leased a new car, Ford Fusion, Grey, and it is okay. Fits and Finish are not a 10 and the seals are an embarrassment. BD likes it and it has some program I cannot spell so that your phone works. As I am here 6 weeks a year and my primary phone is a Chinese piece of shit I am not that enamored of this feature. BD however is ranting about me going to get my phone "cynced", I am more "whatever".

BD cooked soft food for dinner in honor of my dental horrors, trout and fingerling potatoes and asparagus. Also Caprese salad. Could not chew the tomatoes. Best part was talking to Punkin Head and somehow we got on his trips out west for school (middle and upper school), this was part of his Earth Science program. He went to Alaska on one trip and pulled up in front of Caesar's Palace in a yellow school bus on another trip. I am begging him to write a guest post as he is an accomplished writer and much funnier than I am.

Oops, need another antibiotic and pain pill. Talk to you later.

Home again, home again, jiggity jig

In the end we had to send Punkin Head to the market and instead of a fat pig we opted for wheat pasta with a light sauce. Because I cannot chew the steak I was looking forward to with all the stitches in my mouth. If you have never been awake while someone sewed up your mouth it is super creepy. And I needed 3 extra shots. Good news is the bone actually grew over my implant it was so healthy in there. Bad news is it hurts.

Just made it to the appointment as there were plane delays. We had to sit on the "alley" right in front of our gate at Detroit as there were only 2 Marshallers and we required 3. We sat on the ground at the gate in Shanghai for 45 minutes because Beijing called "an ATC" due to a flow problem. These are just not usually problems with International flights. Also took forever to get the bags in Detroit, that is due to Delta just not having enough staff.

Oh yes, saw a guy trying to get his Rimowa luggage off the carousel. No axe marks but it was so sleek and slippery he had to chase it half way around the carousel to get it off. The bags kept slipping out of his fingers. There were no porters in Detroit.

Passing Time

As we all know I have nothing to do as I am supposed to be flying across the ocean right now, I read a new book today. Okay, I got up in the middle of the night. That is what I do when I mentally shift to US time zones, I automatically start preparing.

The book is Confessions Of A Failed Southern Lady by Florence King, it is truly a hoot. I laughed until I cried and frankly I was glad I was not reading this on a plane as I am sure they would have put those plastic tie straps on me. Seriously, I had tears running down my face.

If you are from the south you will get it all, if you know nothing about the south it won't matter. Every family the world over has wacko's and generally the same type of lunatics. There is true love in this book, this family actually likes and loves one another. My only disappointment was there was not one, "Bless her heart".

We had to get McDonald's for breakfast as we have no food here. I have not had McDonald's in 15 years. It will be another 15 if all goes well. It was barely acceptable.  I think we are ordering German for late lunch and who knows what for late supper. Gotta watch the food for the IBS thing, not good when you are flying.

Bad thunderstorm this afternoon. Not good. Big hi-speed train accident, people died. Not good. China says lightening struck the train and then havoc ensued. One train ran over another train and they fell off the elevated tracks. Not good. China will never ask for help or advice in engineering for the future and I really believe they feel a few casualties are no big deal in the grand scheme of things. These people cannot provide safe drinking water in their major cities and so they move on to providing unsafe train travel for their citizens.

If Piers says one more time how great China is I am personally gonna bop him in the nose and make him drink the fucking green water.

Delta Airlines just ruined my tooth implant

I have scheduled this entire home leave, as everyone calls it, around finishing my dental implant. This requires 4 appointments with me and the dentist and the oral surgeon. Delta just cancelled my flight as once again one of the crappy 747's could not fly. So I am going home a day late and a dollar short. How do these cretins think I am going to reschedule 4 appointments on Monday when I get home after missing the first one?

And the asshats put me in the worst seat on the next plane a day later with no other elites in any of the other seats. Thank you for your loyalty. I do have status on your scrotus, stolen word, airline and you promised to treat me like a piece of shit, shit at least gets bagged and discarded in a proper manner.

So my phone call only got me moved up to the rest of the budget people seats somewhat better than the pauper seats. And now I have to rent a car or take a taxi home which makes my fucking budget ticket about on par with the United ticket I turned down as too expensive because Big Daddy's company will only pay for cargo tickets. I am pissed.

Maybe this is God's way of telling me I do not need this dental implant. Maybe I am just not being realistic about the world. Maybe I should just get over myself and teach pauper children to wash their hands. Although that is not allowed in China, you need a work permit for that kind of helping hands.

Delta Airlines sucks and ruined this entire trip home. They have cost me money and self esteem. They have insulted and treated me like shit on numerous occasions. The last time I flew here from Detroit they did not want me to use the Elite check-in line. I don't know why, I was cleaner than they were, I had a hair-do, jewelry and wore clothes that were not raggedy, unlike the Delta reps. I spoke English , they spoke Valley Girl, in sing-song. Okay I am getting petty now. They were nasty girls, it took me 15 minutes to get service ( I was the only one in line) and they never said sorry, or glad to have you fly Delta, or geez, I wish I wasn't an asshat bitch.

I am sure there is more to follow.

Out and About

Waiting for Big Daddy at the corner. One guy moved, he thought I was bad luck I am sure.

Had to finish up some chores before we leave so we went swimming through the pea soup of Shanghai. Wasn't so much hot as humid as hell. Got my roots touched up and this time it only took an hour and a half, pretty good for China. Of course as soon as I walked out the door the hair do flopped.

We went to the rabbit warren to drop off books and get Big Daddy some coffee for when he returns. I found some bracelets for my buddies and unbelievably a black dress. This store was having a sale and as their were no other customers the store clerk urged me to come in and try it on. Probably because it was the biggest dress in the store. It is black linen and very loose and lightweight, perfect for sweating your ass off in. And Michigan is hot right now.

Funny of the day:

When we returned to the apartment two Chinese girls were on the veranda and one was singing to the other one, "Somewhere Over The Rainbow". WTF, that bitch has never seen a rainbow in China-that involves sunshine. Almost as good as the taxi driver that sang the Tennessee Waltz to Big Daddy on the way to the train station.

Gotta finish packing. Will pick this up back in the states.

Reading and Hives

Trying to get around here to leave and I broke out with the hives again. So I am reading until the meds kick in and finished "Keep The Change" by Steve Dublanica on tipping in the US. Not a good book. Skimmed most of it. Most interesting part was at the end when he discussed the common perception that black people do not tip as well as others. He had data from college research groups. I can only say that in New Orleans they dreaded the 2 big black groups-Essence Festival and this football game on Thanksgiving weekend, the Bayou Classic. Everyone said the receipts were down and tipping was just not there. They hated those 2 events and there was a law passed that no one could shut down during the events. It would be discrimination.

Book I wanted to read next is "Confessions of a Failed Southern Lady" but Big Daddy is reading that, and he is finishing it. Hmm. Must be good. He asked me if I knew that smoking while walking down the street was a bad thing. I told him I knew that, it is common. He nodded like I was both really smart and a whore because I do that.

So, my next read is "The Bucolic Plague" about a couple of guys that know Martha Stewart and think starting a gentleman's farm will work for them. Guess they had a TV show and learned to make soap from goat milk.

Very proud of Punkin Head on his accomplishments, wish I could talk about them and brag like a regular mom. Good job son.

Okay, hives gone so I need to get busy.

Packing and reviewing the luggage

I am still in recovery mode and Big Daddy had to travel to BFE today for an overnight. He got all the bags down from the top of the closet and I am charged with the beginning of the packing to go home. I swear there is something wrong with me. Whenever things get unpacked or pulled out there is this huge disconnect between what I am physically seeing and what I remember as packed away.

I have the most fucked over luggage ever. In my mind it is great stuff, on the apartment floor it is raggedy ass ugly. Okay, we can't really count the 2 huge phoney Wenger bags, the ones that BD wrote his name on all 4 sides. We also have my falling apart Tumi bag, yeah, yeah they fix them for free-just not in China. Then we have the Briggs and Riley duffel that seemed like a good idea at the time. You can pack for an entire family in that baby including your 2nd cousins, and I am talking their bodies. And it is guaranteed for damage repairs forever. Problem is it takes 4 Chinese guys to pull it to the taxi and it does not have a telescoping handle, it has a strap. Which brings us to the Wenger rolling computer case that will actually roll down the smallest aisle on a plane but which is so awkward in shape I can not get it into the overhead compartments.

I want new luggage.

There was an article in the China Daily this week that all name brand manufacturers are raising their prices here in good old Shanghai. Their market research shows that the more the items cost the more the Chinese buyers covet them. Raise the price and sell more goods.

As I have no clothes that fit and not much to take home I should just put my shit in a cardboard box like everyone and shut the hell up.

Funny of the day is really sad, BD's new boss (4 months so not that new) is going home the same time we are. Because he has to move his family here, this is not their first ex-pat assignment.  Can't talk too much about that because BD still works there but just a few hints. Boss asked BD for quarters, BD asked why he needed quarters. Boss needs them to call his wife when he gets to the US, you know pay phone. WTF, he did not know his International phone worked in the US and this is his second trip back? He did not know how to put Skype on his work computer so BD put it on and tried to get it started but the Boss did not have his password, only his US based wife has that. Boss can only live in a ground floor unit in Shanghai, per the wife, and Friday he found out HR has no place for his family to live when he returns. His Visa was never completed and he cannot return without a resident or new temp Visa. His kids are supposed to start school one week after they all return with no home, no Visas and no going to see the newest Harry Potter movie. Because his kids will only watch movies at the movie theater and they want to watch it with English dialogue. This is gonna be fun.

Making TV history

The superstar camera dudes and the rest of us wondering what the fuck was wrong with these idjits.

The actual *Superstars during filming

This is the actual rail device used by the highly technical smartest people in the world to push the camera back and forth to film the superstars. I walk on that crappy uneven drive every day. I look directly down on it every day from my apartment and count the water bottles the security guards are throwing on the grass since they are still guarding the other superstars.

The best of this thing according to Big Daddy was a huge Aussie came down and was inquiring as to what the hell the mess was and the camera crew guy told him to "Shush".  I believe the Aussie called him a bloody wanker.

No one was told in the ex-pat apartments this was going to happen, happening, or what to expect when we went out to do our normal daily chores. Typical Chinese. A week later they are still guarding the other superstars, which may or may not be FIFA and we cannot walk through the lobby without an airport type search. And the security guards have moved dining room chairs into this area for their breaks, breaks seem to go from 7am to midnight.

Me and my new Doctor

I had to cancel my hair appointment yesterday as my IBS flared up again. That should have been my first clue.

So this morning I get up and get ready and go to the Doctor's office to get my thyroid meds renewed. First time for that here in China. Usual questions and everything is great except my blood pressure was high again. It always is when I go to the Doctor. Never anywhere else. But I was concerned enough to ask about it and the doctor did not seem to concerned but he did recommend I purchase a blood pressure machine. So off I go and buy the machine next door at the pharmacy, about 75 USD and then Big Daddy and I went to the City Shop for food.

At the city shop I started getting the random pains and brushed it off. On the way home I was getting carsick which is unusual when I sit in the front of taxi. Well we were home for a few minutes and the pain was becoming unbearable. I know I also have diverticular disease and if I had been in the states I would have gone to the ER quickly. But what the hell do you do in China.

Well we got a taxi and went back to the "Port a Mon" to see the Doctor. And we had the taxi driver from hell. He was screaming on his cell phone and almost drove into the landscaping as he could not steer and talk and then the asshat turned the wrong way. I am doubled over in pain and had to scream at this cretin where the fuck did he think he was going. So I am doubled over crying in the taxi and Big Daddy is in the back seat yelling at the driver to get off the cell phone and we are on our way.

This time my blood pressure was so high they would not tell me what it was.

Well, they started an IV, gave me 5 different syringes full of medicine, a urine test to rule out a kidney stone and put me on antibiotics and good bacteria. All while the nurse kept telling me to sing, she said it is relaxing to sing. One of my most horrible memories is getting kicked out of the third grade choir because I could not sing. I had to read the words of some cantata because I could not sing. I was the only reader. I had a sign on my neck that said this bitch cannot sing.

I have no idea what the hell they gave me. Something for pain that was about 50% effective, something for nausea about 75% effective and the other stuff. They cannot tell you what it is and the box it came in does not help. My grandmother and an uncle had to have a colostomy, I guess we have crappy intestines and this scares the hell out of me. Especially in China. I no longer have a Doctor in the US as he disappeared and his partner retired. And every Doctor in the US says the international insurance we have sucks.

For a few years before I moved here the most popular commercial on radio and television was "Do you have a Beaumont Doctor?" Maybe I should call and see if one of those highly advertised good guys of the medical world will take my insurance.

So today, not much fun was had by anyone and no fun in Shanghai this weekend.

Significant Others Cheapest Chinese Robe ever

This is Big Daddy giving me his best moves. Have you ever just looked at your partner and fell on the floor laughing. BD does that for me.

When we lived in the states on more than one occasion people remarked that he looked just like Dick Cheney. Gennifer Flowers said it during one of her shows, okay maybe she always said it, but TSA clerks wanding him down in airports also said it , while wanding him down. It was the bane of existence for many years.  People always said he looked like an FBI agent in photos.

When we traveled together he always wore suits or at minimum jackets and was a very sober looking individual. He just does not look like a fun guy.

Which is what makes it so hilarious.

Years ago my mother gave him one of the most fucked up of all presents for his birthday. Yes, this one was worse than the size XL cowboy pajamas. The outfit consisted of black nylon shorts with thousands of holes in them and a red shirt with Chinese writing up the front. The shirt was also not a known material by US standards. It was so fucking ugly that it made ugly a new word. He wore it every chance he got. This material would never deteriorate, it was indestructible. Mow the lawn, Chinese outfit, try to go to town I would take the keys and threaten divorce.

We went on a charity weekend trip to Leamington, Ontario and camped out for one night. Now this trip is memorable for many reasons. The first is that I do not camp. The second is that I (as any smart person would) suspected my son was having sex with his girlfriend. I remember telling him exactly when I would be home on Sunday morning, his disbelief, and walking in on them in bed together at the exact time I told them I would do that. Yes, I did not say a word, but gave him the look that said don't try to fool mama. The third of course involves the Chinese outfit.

Now not being a camper, never wanting to be a camper and really refusing to believe that people actually choose to sleep in tents this was an eye opener. We put up our tent with the other tenting assholes and we were all set. And we ate and drank and told stories around the campfire. And then it was time to go to bed. Now truth be told BD camped for years. He hunted, fished, and tramped through the forests of America. He visited 48 states on a motorcycle. He saw Evel Knievel at Snake River. His first Superstar. So anyway, it was time to go to sleep. We went into the tent and got ready to sleep. For me this meant looking for the flashlight and securing my water bottle. I turned around and BD was naked. In the tent. Then he put on the Chinese outfit. I was howling now and I am sure everyone in the other tents thought we were probably having much more fun than they were.

Big Daddy will wear any cheap piece of shit someone will give him and make no bones about it, it was free.

Big Daddy also asked why I was laughing so hard while I typed this and asked if I was blogging about when he had to sleep under the ping pong table. Maybe I should do that next.

Going in the wrong direction

Our new candle holder. Not sure quite what to call this.

Everything seems up in the air right now. Big Daddy has pretty much been told his contract will not be renewed, the company is going to cheaper Chinese employees. So we have just over a year to figure all this out. Now as I am a glass half empty and probably cracked and leaking type person we need to decide on plans for worst case scenarios. And that should not include me continuing to buy things for this apartment.

But it is so hard to never shop. I can't buy clothes as I have reached puberty and have hips and breasts. I cannot buy shoes as my mother neglected to bind my feet. I can't buy crap because it makes me shudder. What is left? Whacko shit I find for the apartment. And the clock store shut down after 2 months in business.

Going home in a week for a refresher course on how to be a citizen. Last weekend in Shanghai so I need to take advantage and go do something.

Check with y'all later.

Where have all the cowboys gone

Paula Cole, thanks to Paula.

A good many of my favorite bloggers are dropping out. They say that they are out of ideas, stressed for material and just not into writing at this time.

I am upset. Some of them I found just recently. And they are profoundly (work with me here) funny, witty, thought provoking (wish I had that damn dictionary, shit I can't even spell that) and mostly entertaining.

I am forlorn and unhappy.  These bloggers make my days easier and let me imagine many different places and spaces.

I have to go to dinner now and try to make nice with Big Daddy as we have been fussing and feuding for 2 weeks, he took his asshole pills and forgot to give me my I am stupid pills, so I hope I will get some good pictures tonight, my fellow bloggers will find peace and in the end we will all find some way to be entertained.

Practice makes perfect

Sexy girl walking down the same street as . .

the child with the nails

Big Daddy is practicing taking photos with his new iPhone, blurry picture of a little girl waiting to run between taxis with her scrap lumber full of nails. And that was the best of 3 pictures.

I would guess he needs inspiration to do his best work.

This weekend we had Superstars at our hotel. They were filming a soap opera outside our building, still waiting for those photos. We also had  FIFA guys in swim trunks. No pictures of them. See what I mean? Inspiration.

Going Potty in China

The China Daily says we are going Potty. They are of course referring to the release of the last Harry Potter movie. We were very saddened last evening that Mr. Woody was closed and we could not pick up the latest release of Harry Potter. He did let us in the locked door and pulled the curtains behind closed behind us. I was mildly concerned. But he had no Potter. So I got the latest releases, Air Force One and Casablanca.

The China Daily was also quite proud to announce that the quality of the phony goods is getting quite a bit better. This is a relief as they also recently ran a story on the poor quality of the phony condoms. They break. And this is somehow America's fault as all the Internet porn is the downfall of China men. They want the US to apologize for Chinese men corrupted by porn which I thought mostly came from Thailand. I cannot make this shit up. I am thinking if you drink enough fake beer and wine you would probably think a fake condom was a fine idea.

My bartender is urging me to accompany her to the spa for my bad back. She spends 12 hours a week, 2 six hour stints at the spa. Who the fuck can lay their ass in a spa for 6 hours twice a week and never get a manicure? Or a decent hair cut.

Oh and the shopping trip is still on. They want to take me to Cheapo Lu. Be still my heart, Cheapo Lu. Who can resist.

Finally went to the Italian restaurant on Maoming Lu and it was wonderful. Kicking myself for not going sooner. Took a risk and got in a taxi and just said "eegeejo" which is roughly translated to straight ahead. I kinda steered and Big Daddy did the back seat driving and we got their pretty quick. Actually a good time was had by all. And the prices were decent.

Big Daddy made me cry

He came home to this mess of China and put music on the music thingy.

Dionne Warwick singing The April Fools.

Best movie ever, Peter Lawford being an asshole, Catherine Deneuve being beautiful and Jack Lemmon being an American idiot. What is not to love.

It took Big Daddy years to find me a copy on VHS, simply no longer available and it is so funny, key clubs and dancers in cages and guys going home in the bar car on the trains.

And it does not ever get better than Dionne Warwick singing. Except if it is Louis. Or Patsy. Maybe once in a while Elvis. God I miss music.

Had to edit this, I forgot Moon River and Frank and BD's relatives the Judds and Brenda Lee, did I ever tell you about our visits to Graceland?

Hmmm

Communist Day

Looks more like American Idol or the Bachelorette to me.

Hypochondria

That is me, hypochondriac. When we lived in the states they allowed ads on TV and radio for medicine and doctors and hospitals. If I went to the doctor every time I had one of the symptoms, well I would have had to sleep over. And we do not want to even discuss side effects on medicine pamphlets. I cannot watch medical TV shows, do Internet searches or listen to random conversations.

So last week my back pain started getting better. Then my finger, first on left hand, started to pain me. Thought nothing of it until I looked down and it had a huge, fiery red bump next to the cuticle. Well damn. I showed Big Daddy and he kinda cringed. This is important as he knows me well and if my head was cut off he would tell me it wasn't too bad.

Well I thought back, no professional manicure for 2 weeks and no cuticle maintenance since I took off the polish. Nope, I had not damaged me. So I got out the over a year old Neosporin and thought out how to handle this. You can't just run to the doctor every time you have a boo-boo. On the other hand I did not want to amputate my finger. Washing my hands was now a problem as I had to check on the color of the water out of spout plus the smell. Should I only use the bottled water?

This all goes back to why my son should thank his lucky stars he is alive today. Bottled formula. When I started reading on how to properly take care of a baby everything had to be sterilized. But where do you stop and start this process. Boil this and boil that. Do you need to boil the pan before you use the pan to boil the water to sterilize the shit that will infect your child with who knows what?

Somewhere along the way I started reading about how people are killing themselves with being too clean. And in thinking back I brushed my teeth with a toothbrush that should have killed me. And wiped my face on a towel that contained toilet water spray. And I probably have the healthiest immune system known to man.

So as any pioneer in China would do I quit on the not effective Neosporin and went with the Chinese ointment after a few days. And that shit worked overnight. Still have a slight bump. No pain.

I can type on the computer now and am looking forward to getting on with things instead of staring at my finger.

Do not leave any messages that describe any diagnosis, infections, diseases or prognosis for my finger. Please. And I hate, hate, hate antibacterial soap. Just think the super bugs would have jumped on this one.