On being approachable

This tree has fascinated me for years, it is one of our walking tours.

Big Daddy has evolved, actually he is a new man.

On his recent trip to Mexico he was being wanded at the airport in Monterrey. The 2 senors were obviously talking about him, to him, and laughing about it. As it was all in Spanish and BD is not fluent in that language he had to keep saying, "No Spanish speak English" which elicited no response. Finally one guy took pity on BD and told him the security guard said he looks just like Homer Simpson.

Yes, he has gone from Dick Cheney to Homer Simpson in a matter of months. I am sure everyone will have an opinion if this is a promotion or demotion. I have not decided. Although I must say Dick lost quite a bit of weight and has aged dramatically with his last heart surgery.

I have made a startling discovery with my new optical store bought glasses. I have to watch some TV programs on the laptop because that is the only one I have figured out so far. And the shows on the laptop must be HD because the picture is so much crisper and cleaner. First was Hell on Wheels, a western about building the railroad across the continent. This was recommended by Anne Rice, the author. The detail and photography was stunning, absolutely mind boggling. The rest are any show with an actress over 26. The camera is not kind to these women and I am amazed that I am not the only woman in the world with not perfect skin. If I could only see Susan Lucci on the laptop.

I can't make this shit up

For many years we have lived with the fact that Big Daddy looks quite a bit like Dick Cheney. They could be brothers. TSA has remarked how much he looks like Cheney while wanding him at the airport. Gennifer Flowers called him Dick Cheney at her nightclub. It goes on and on.

Well today BD was at the temple or palace or whatever in Mysore, India and yep-it happened again. He was approached by a group of trainee soldiers wanting their picture taken with BD. When they were finished they thanked Mr. Chinny. Yep, they thought he was Dick Cheney. This time however he got the full celebrity treatment. Apparently the Indians are star struck for any famous person and they mobbed BD for pictures. The soldiers video taped him and the driver said that was the most pictures ever taken of a faux celebrity. The runner-up is some guys wife named Angie who they thought was Angelina Jolie. She ran and hid, avoiding the big mob scene.

BD got some great shopping bargains, which will be detailed later, and sore feet from walking the palaces without shoes. He ruined one pair of flight socks.

He had a fabulous lunch at one of the palaces that was converted into a resort and KFC for dinner. It kills me no matter where you go there is a KFC.

Pictures to follow as soon as he uploads them, but Punkin Head found a picture of the Mysore Palace at night on the Internet and it is a huge and gorgeous place. Punkin Head is at the music venue downtown this weekend so he spent the night here. The Greektown Casino Hotel told him that no outside beverages are allowed to brought into the hotel so he is smuggling his in my Trader Joe's insulated grocery bag, it has a zipper.

A Warning to Humankind

I am fairly certain, almost positive, that women continue to have PMS after menopause. As a quality professional I have looked at the data:

*The need to smack the shit out of random strangers continues to manifest itself.
*The need to smack the living shit out of people you kinda know continues to manifest itself.
*The desire to throw random shit off the balcony in a rage, rears it's ugly head off and on.

The only thing missing is the intense desire for very good chocolate. I know this because I have very good chocolate in the cupboard and have no desire to consume it with a very good red wine. Although I must admit I do not have a very good red wine on hand.

So here is the deal. I cannot watch my television shows on my computer. Maybe this is because China is pissed off that the Wee Wee fella is getting donations to pay off his tax bill. Maybe this is because everything in China occasionally sucks. Maybe this is because all the fucking money that I pay to make sure I can watch the television is a waste of money. Whatever. It pisses me off.

So then, this morning the Ayi's of the day come to clean/make the apartment more dirty this morning, late as usual, and they piss me off. There was a breaking bulletin on CNN on the Penn State situation and these bints (new Australian word of the day) are hollering at each other. In my fucking apartment. I did contain myself for the moment.

Now I cannot get the computer television to work properly and I am mad I did not beat the shit out of the Ayis earlier for pissing me off. That is how PMS really works. It does not make sense, it just is. Wow, maybe this is really a Public Service Announcement.

Big Daddy flew out this morning to Shenzhen, but he went to the wrong city. He was supposed to go to the one next door that starts with a G and ends with a zhou. So everyone is in a tizzy on how to get him where he is supposed to be. (I would have just kicked someone) Well, BD refused to take the bus and the supplier figured it all out. They found a driver and the dude would meet him at the airport with a sign with his picture on it. Huh, where the fuck would they have gotten this picture?

Skype. They took his picture off Skype. No one in the entire world except me and Punkin Head could identify that picture. But there it was for BD to look for and find his way to the bowels of hell.

Significant Others Cheapest Chinese Robe ever

This is Big Daddy giving me his best moves. Have you ever just looked at your partner and fell on the floor laughing. BD does that for me.

When we lived in the states on more than one occasion people remarked that he looked just like Dick Cheney. Gennifer Flowers said it during one of her shows, okay maybe she always said it, but TSA clerks wanding him down in airports also said it , while wanding him down. It was the bane of existence for many years.  People always said he looked like an FBI agent in photos.

When we traveled together he always wore suits or at minimum jackets and was a very sober looking individual. He just does not look like a fun guy.

Which is what makes it so hilarious.

Years ago my mother gave him one of the most fucked up of all presents for his birthday. Yes, this one was worse than the size XL cowboy pajamas. The outfit consisted of black nylon shorts with thousands of holes in them and a red shirt with Chinese writing up the front. The shirt was also not a known material by US standards. It was so fucking ugly that it made ugly a new word. He wore it every chance he got. This material would never deteriorate, it was indestructible. Mow the lawn, Chinese outfit, try to go to town I would take the keys and threaten divorce.

We went on a charity weekend trip to Leamington, Ontario and camped out for one night. Now this trip is memorable for many reasons. The first is that I do not camp. The second is that I (as any smart person would) suspected my son was having sex with his girlfriend. I remember telling him exactly when I would be home on Sunday morning, his disbelief, and walking in on them in bed together at the exact time I told them I would do that. Yes, I did not say a word, but gave him the look that said don't try to fool mama. The third of course involves the Chinese outfit.

Now not being a camper, never wanting to be a camper and really refusing to believe that people actually choose to sleep in tents this was an eye opener. We put up our tent with the other tenting assholes and we were all set. And we ate and drank and told stories around the campfire. And then it was time to go to bed. Now truth be told BD camped for years. He hunted, fished, and tramped through the forests of America. He visited 48 states on a motorcycle. He saw Evel Knievel at Snake River. His first Superstar. So anyway, it was time to go to sleep. We went into the tent and got ready to sleep. For me this meant looking for the flashlight and securing my water bottle. I turned around and BD was naked. In the tent. Then he put on the Chinese outfit. I was howling now and I am sure everyone in the other tents thought we were probably having much more fun than they were.

Big Daddy will wear any cheap piece of shit someone will give him and make no bones about it, it was free.

Big Daddy also asked why I was laughing so hard while I typed this and asked if I was blogging about when he had to sleep under the ping pong table. Maybe I should do that next.