Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Herding Cats, or Why My Wife is Not Crazy

For a week or so I have been hiding, complaining, and acting bizarre. I have been hearing cats. Meow, meow. I have been shutting the kitchen door at night as if this was going to keep the legion of cats from attacking me. 

It seems this was a good idea.

There was a massive herd of cats loosed into our buildings. Into the stairwells. They were monitored, by the government.

Their job, to catch the mice and rats.

They were government cats. They were highly trained cats. They were sent on their cat missions by uniformed government officials. No shit, I can't make this shit up. Hang on, this gets really better.

They found the enemy. The cats, found the enemy. Not in my building thank goodness. It is about 100 yards from my building. That would be about 91 and 1 half meters for the non Americans. Or as Big Daddy says half a furlong.

When we lived in Grosse Pointe one day on his way home one day BD witnessed the Titty bar on Michigan Avenue knocked down by bulldozers. There where thousands of rats escaping across the street. He said it was the most bizarre sight he has ever seen, rats, rats, everywhere and not a cat in sight. He said they covered a half a furlong in thirty seconds. In heavy traffic.

So I am quite sure the rats will not reach my apartment.  Because the government sent in fighter cats. Chinese fighting cats. Each government person carried in a fighter cat in each arm. These are not the discovery cats, they are the fighter cats.

 They also put out notices that no one should allow their children to play in the stairways as Ratazide has been applied.

So, the next time I tell someone I hear or see weird shit, I don't think anyone should just poo poo what I say.


  1. I have seen a few mice in my time, but I'm not sure about rats. I have seen maybe hundreds of coyotes, a dozen tarantulas and that many scorpians, being in Texas, being semi-rural most of my life, but very few rats. The largest tarantula that I ever found I took to work one day. My boss gave me a strange glass container for my "pet". It was a hollow wide glass tile that someone had trimmed the top off, creating a rectangular cavity. They must have used it for some experiment in our lab with normal heptane, because in black magic marker it had "Nheptane" on the side, so that became the name of "our" spider. Probably the only spider in the universe with that name. I remember that the spider didn't live very long. Perhaps it had suffered some misfortune before I discovered it on my driveway.

  2. I am telling you this is one crazy ass place. Maybe just because I live in Shanghai, but I think it is because we actually chat with the people.

    Esby, could it be the residue in the little coffin container killed the pretty pet?

  3. They should have set a ratcatcher and his dog on the rats. Perhaps the fighting cats would have fought the dog too?

    You are never more than six feet from a rat in the UK and there are almost as many rats as people.

  4. It is possible that something got left behind in the container, but knowing me, I bet I washed it out first before using it. Our normal heptane is about the purest stuff in the world, heavily distilled, it was used as a component in Knock Engine Calibration fuels for automotive testing. They mix it with equally pure isooctane, typically greater than 99.75% purity. But it was a specialty chemicals plant with hundreds of chemicals in production, so no telling. Another guy had an aquarium with a very large oscar, Astronotus ocellatus, in his cubicle, which he named Oscar. Oh, we chemists are a funny goofy strange lot.

  5. Friko, if the Brits can keep a stiff upper lip, so can I. The are no rat catching dogs, if they are big enough to handle a rat-they are called dinner.