Tuesday, May 31, 2011


Yes, I am one of the terrible, nasty, smelly and dangerous smokers. I smoke regularly and somewhat often. That is because it is legal, I am addicted, I enjoy it, and my taxes fund most of the world activities.

I have quit many times and for long periods of time. I am a stress smoker. And I live a life of stressful incidents.

So now there is a WHO no smoking day, to realize that smoking is bad.

Who the fuck is so stupid that they think people who smoke do not know the dangers?

If it is so fucking dangerous that people are dropping like flies, and really only Chinese flies can be beaten to death-but that is another story, then make it illegal. I am not the type to go on desperate and illegal travels to find a smoke. It is either legal and ok to smoke or it is the worst thing since polio and needs to be eradicated. Someone has to pick.

Yea, yea, yea I know all the anti-smoking rhetoric, there is some shit I don't like either. Actually perfumes, candles and room sprays can send me to bed for days with a headache, if they contain certain scents. There are a number of things that are harmful that I could list here including the gassing out of new cars, planes and trailer homes, work environments, pollution in big cities and nuclear reactors. Oh and new news, now the cell phones are killing us. Who Knew. Outdoor burning is also taboo unless you live in an area where it is cost effective.

I will make a deal with you all. I will not smoke if you will not eat crap, not put your babies in disposable diapers, demand that dog shit goes into only paper containers, and get rid of  "soda pop" or that shit that people drink which is full of nothing but sugar and garbage. And give up plastic bottles.

But that will never happen. Because no one wants to put their money where their mouth is. I say we all suffer or none of us suffer.

Also, when I was not smoking I was the first to admit that it was stinky. So were all the people that did not bathe and wash their hair daily, ate food in public, wore their clothes without washing them, thought dry cleaning was too expensive, and in general were just filthy pigs. Who is going to police these people?

Because if I have to smell your filthy asses again I will be complaining. Loudly.

And everyone else better be ready for round 2. Because if it is really about every ones health, well there you go. And if it is about personal peeves, there are thousands of those too.

So, give up the tax money and make it illegal or shut the fuck up.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Sunday Snippets

I have no computer so I am borrowing Big Daddy's for a quick post. Took my laptop in Saturday morning and it may be fixed by Tuesday, or not.

Met a white lady in the elevator on Friday when we returned, she was quite flustered about the Internet and the phone and the TV, she has been here 3 months and I have never seen her before. Hope I run into her again, she could be interesting.

They had a wedding, or I guess I should say weeding, down in the grassy area this afternoon. It was weird as hell from 28 floors up, and there were no firecrackers so I am not sure they are really wed.

Big Daddy went to the wet market alone as I was too lazy to get dressed and I guess it was a calamity. The vendors were making their exodus into the street and shouting while pushing their carts and stopped traffic on the street. Seems they raised the rents. So no more veggies for us. Or more expensive ones when the new vendors move in.

Big Daddy also got in trouble trying to take a picture of little kid with the butt crack pants squatting on the sidewalk to take a shit. Guess it is ok to shit on the sidewalk, just not to take pictures of it. I wonder if you have to clean up after them like the dogs.

Hope the computer is fixed by Tuesday or I will have to go back to Podunk with nothing to do. I am still tempted to get some of those weird boots called wellies and traipse the buffalo land just to see up close how they live. Unsure if I would be captured and if there are snakes. Both of those are a deal-breaker

Having pesto pasta and some kind of chops for dinner.

No pictures until I get the laptop back. Dragon did make it back in one piece, just kinda listing to starboard.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

With every silver lining there is a black cloud

When we emerged from the train station in Podunk we were surrounded by a loud and crazed mob of men. They were actually in a frenzy, shouting and fighting with each other as they kept gesturing for us to go with them. As we were supposed to be picked up by the supplier I was a bit reticent to go with this mob of heathens anywhere. And a good thing too. They were the red metal over a motorcycle taxi driver drivers looking for a fare. Just as I was in phase 3 of my English Second Language teaching skills a woman approached us and helped to sort this out. Big Daddy was no help, he was on the phone with his guy (who also appears to need my English lessons) and he was starting to have a China meltdown of his own.

Rule one, only one person in the marriage is allowed to melt down at a time. The other one must stay strong and fight off the infidels with all means handy. All I had was a loud cursing voice (James Earl Jones) and an empty container of Mentos. Moving on . . .

We were exuberantly greeted by my number fan, forcefully ushering us inside to enjoy the cups of cold tea and hot towels. I coughed, then had to spend a lot of time explaining that people who are not used to living in highly polluted tend to cough when the delicate nose and throat passages become irritated by all the crap in the air in a semi-developing country. She brought me a special pot of tea made specially by the chef, it was special. Every time I turn around I have special tea. Because I do not have a calloused throat from the particles of shit floating around.

Rule two, just smile and don't try to talk, it will save some of your sanity and you won't have to talk anymore.

We went to dinner and I got another clay figurine, a pig. I love pigs, have for years, especially red pigs. This is a white pig with big red lips. Somehow got involved in ordering a dragon clay creature. For the next night at dinnertime. Went down for breakfast. The fuckers are chasing me around with this fucking dragon that is on a stick. I cannot deal with this shit before coffee.

Went back to the room and waited to see if the IBS would roll the dice and to watch Piers and Anderson as the apartment TV is fucked up and I miss my buds. All was good so I turned on the Make-up room button and went on with my life. At 2 back in the room and no cleaning, so I turn on the privacy sign and get ready to become beautiful again. This takes a lot of work. As I am putting on the magic potions the phone starts ringing. Answer the one in the bath after I get the potions wiped of the fingers and hear: Jabba, jabba, jabba. This continued for 2 more phone calls until I finally got a phone from an English speaker. She told me my DOD was on. That stands for Do not disturb.

Rule three, do not get into a serious discussion with the Chinese unless you have large quantities of wine on hand. Not the crazy stuff, just regular red rotgut.

Went down to dinner and got chased around again by the dragon guy and all the staff. Almost blew and just made it to the table. Told the hostess I needed immediate Hong Jo and towels in the room. And that I was having too much China today. Big Daddy stepped up to the plate after I hit him on the head with my paperback in the elevator and handled it all superbly.

Just before dinner Big Daddy called for towels and soap and water. When we got back he was going to call again but I insisted he go down and just fix it in person. Then the people showed up at our door. Then Big Daddy talked to them. Then I talked to them. Then the manager came up. Then we all talked. Then I showed him the buttons on the wall that and went over the entire time line one more time. And explained about Chinese phone calls to a . . .

Rule number four, paperbacks are better for getting someone's attention and Big Daddy just got a huge complimentary fruit bowl. I got a soggy dragon I am babysitting with the desk light to harden it up for 25 quai and a lot of  bullshit.

Funny of the day: Big Daddy got a new business card today from some guy from Portugal, he is an Engenner and his title is Expert In Sppoting. He said he knew his card had mistakes in spelling but they are very expensive.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Something new I have learned.

I used to be the worst person able to deal with change. It just was not my forte and I usually handled it quite badly. Just went to ground and sulked and then just plodded along until I could come to grips with it. And sometimes that took quite awhile. Now I find I am more of the well, whoever thought this would work out anyway crowd. It is what it is and it usually is quite below my expectations. And my expectations are quite low to start with.

We taxied to Marks&Spencer purveyor of all that is western this Sunday. Before popping in there we went to the Gap. All the new stuff displayed on the amazing story boards is not for sale. Because they don't have any, yet. It is new you see. And they don't have anything new but the pictures of the new stuff. Okay, got it.

The M&S experience was much better as I had not seen their stuff before so it was all new to me. I did however balk at the changing rooms. It was a Chinese free-for-all and I just said no. Will try the stuff on today and Big Daddy can return or throw away what I don't want to keep. I did get to see the Books By Pound seller and the phony CD seller and the Buy The Wallets laying on the ground seller. Could not take pictures as it was raining. All this on the famous Nanjing Lu, pearl of the Paris of the East.

We walked down to TaiKang Lu later in the day and more of the stores are shut down with new business setting up shop. Higher and higher prices and not a lot of  people buying. Went to our favorite restaurant, Casa 13, to find it is no longer Casa 13. Same name but new owners. Did not have a good dinner, the menu is very small, very expensive and not that tasty. Calamari was not crispy and the sauce not tasty, chopped salad was a throw away. Big Daddy had the duck risotto which he said was ok and I had the salmon, 5 out of 10 on a ratings scale. The original wait staff was there and told me only the third day with the menu and we were the first regulars. They did seem concerned we were not happy but in the traditional Chinese manner just could not make it right. "Do you want me to make another"? No, if the first one sucked why would I want a repeat? We were kind and generous, left a nice tip as always and gave the guy a business card, call us if it changes again. This is the fourth restaurant either out of business or no longer worthy of our business in less than a year. The stores seem to change weekly.

So now we have no place normal to eat without a taxi ride. That was the charm, walking to dinner and shopping. So China is upping the carbon footprint by putting locals out of business in the never ending search for higher returns. Gosh darn, who does that sound like? First the diesel generators because they shut the electrical grid down and now this.

Well, tomorrow back to Podunk on the train where you don't expect much except maybe some buffalo shit to rub on your head.

Okay, Punkin Head's favorite, Funnies of the Weekend: Taxi Drivers

First one was a lounge lizard. Black sharkskin suit, crisp as you can get in Shanghai white shirt, no cotton gloves and fancy ass hair. I really wondered if he was subbing for his cousin and the way to his job at the jazz bar.  Until he put the CD in to play, and hummed and smiled and looked into the rearview mirror.

Second guy is normal taking us back to the apartment. When we get to the place where you can see the Mickey D's I go into my Chinese Second Language spiel about how to turn and which way to go. He looks at me and says, you mean turn left.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Vive la France

It was quite shocking but I found a new hairdresser. She is French. And she seems to know hair. And as I always told my boss when he would say "the next one could be worse", sometimes there is no worse. Just as bad, but not worse. I think it will be okay, they use regular products and have shampoo bowls that appear to made this century.

And the best, next door was a kitchen shop and we purchased towels, a zester, a spatter screen, a mini salad greens spinner, and we got a gift of mint leaves.

The only downside is to reach this haven of goodness and light you have to walk 2.something kilometers and go through mini Vietnam. Big Daddy thought he was hilarious when he pointed out they had patio dining. I really did not think 3 people on a broken stool was on par with the French Quarter tables with an umbrella and flowers but BD has been here longer and is losing his touch with reality.

We met this guy last night at the bar and I got the full boatload of how privileged some people are who live here as an ex-pat. He is a director level and yes his wife has a car and driver at her disposal (the driver checks on her frequently when she is out so she does not get lost) she flies home often on the company dime, and get this: she sometimes gives her new girlfriends a ride to the subway on their way home. He said I need to use the subway and my life will improve exponentially. Wife is home now as no one stays in Shanghai during the summer months. Gotta love it. They are from Ohio and my experience tells me they are the only people from Ohio with 2 pots to piss in.

Have to watch our movie tonight as last night we were wanderers and after the bar we bought a clock BD fell in love with and a leopard I fell in love with and ate at a real patio restaurant on Taikang Lu. Will post pictures next week, hope they are not as fuzzy as the last ones.

Friday, May 20, 2011


I did not know that antibiotics are also hallucinogenic.

Trying to fix my blog from the blog dead days and the China nights of hell and now it is all discombobulated.

My apologies, carry on.

Life goes on

So many things are confusing. And pissing me off. Why the fuck is some dickwad from CNN traveling the streets of New York looking for the home of the maid in the "Dom and the Maid" story? I call him Dom because I seen his mug on TV so often I feel I know him. Not in that sense. And CNN interviewed a woman from Paris and asked her what the difference is between Paris and the Bronx. If that is not the stupidest thing I have ever heard just call me . . . never mind opening the wine now. We all know there are no real French restaurants in the Bronx.

Took my last Z-pak tablet today so we will see. Need to make appointments for when we go home and will take Punkin Head's advice on finding a doctor that takes this weirdo insurance. Punkin Head is getting ready to return the lease car and until we get home this will be the first time without a vehicle since we were both teenagers. How odd. Of course a rental car when we return will cost more than a lease payment so no party will be had for money saved. Hope we can get a car we can live with and not be pissed off with a ride that sucks. Just another reason I hate this economic meltdown for everyone except Wall Street and the automotive leaches.

Oh and if  I heard things correctly (and that is very dicey here in the communist country) Obama told Israel to fuck off in a very nice way.  Kinda like good luck but I can't help ya, but you need to get your shit together on your own, and the old city is kinda up for grabs, but we love ya. Oh and we told the mean guys not to shoot at you anymore, so its good. Wonder what he is telling Bahrain about the home of the Navy guys. Wonder what Hillary is thinking, I always said she fucked up when she took that job. She was the only person that told him no. Maybe now she can quit and learn how to do her hair or get a brush cut. Whatever.

Now on to me, which is what this blog is all about anyway. I am so pissed off about my hair appointment last Friday I could scream. Of course the extreme sore throat stopped that action, but the thought has been with me all week. What part of blond hair does this bitch not get? I heard about another salon so Big Daddy and I must search the streets for these saviours of white people hair. This is one time that if I can get a better hairdresser I will walk back in the door of Chez Shiity and say look bitch, this is called blond hair and this is called a blow dry. Well she is French and according to Dom ya gotta go to the US to get a blow job.

Ok, new movie for tonight, gotta get dressed and pretend I feel like a human. Maybe dinner out.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Travel Ban at Big Daddy's Company

When you job is travelling to every hellhole in China I do not think this is a good thing.

However we did get to avoid the Superstar, travel was not available as the Superstar was staying in the hotel of choice, the one with lighting and no hookers.

God is with me this week, I can swallow now, there are movies from the last 10 years on HBO and I can get the Internet every few hours.

HBO is going to show Up In The Air, the first movie I ever saw here courtesy of some person with copies of all the movies that were up for the awards. Then we watched The Blind Side, these were the movies we alternated every Friday on movie night.  I am saving our new cheap movie from the corner guy, The Lincoln Lawyer for Friday night so we have a new movie in rotation.  We get new fake movies all the time, cannot watch most of them because the are shit or because they will not run in English. Gotta love it, fake ass movies that are not what they supposed to be.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

I am sick again

I am one of those people who rarely get sick. Just does not happen. And when I do get a trifle I can muddle on through without any problems.

Since China has entered by my life I am sick alot.

Went to the doctor on Monday and got this Chinese lady doctor. Not happy. First they tell me my blood pressure is a little high. I asked what is was and it was off the charts. Which of course probably sent it higher as I told the little nurse that is not a little high that is close to stroke zone. She said Oh, maybe we will take it again later. Of course that did not happen.

Then the doctor came in and could not get the checker of the ears and nose thing to work. She had to go get adapters and replug in the equipment. This made me feel better as I am sure nothing there is calibrated and works properly.

China is trying to disrupt the Internet in a serious manner and right now it is a crazy cat and mouse game. I can only stay on a few minutes at a time and this is very hard when doing the crossword puzzle. Sound like all the best minds in China got together and made some changes. It will be interesting how this works out long term.

Hopefully more later.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

They're creepy and they're kooky

mysterious and spooky, they're all together ooky, the readers of my blog.

Okay, there is one guy out there, and I think he is psychic or maybe just in touch with the powers that we do not want to know.

He predicted that the Osmonds would be coming to Piers soon, and I am not kidding here, guess who is gonna be on this Monday (this may be a different day based on whatever hellhole you watch from) the Osmonds.

Donny and Marie. And the little "bite" they preview that makes us gasp and maybe weep a little, Donny sings "Puppy Love" while sitting in Piers lap.

People wonder why I am not the same person I used to be. This could be it.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

I am started to become fedded up

This is one of my favorite French phrases. It was taught to me by my boss. My French counterparts sent him an email expressing that thought about me. Moi, I said. Of course I let him know I was so far beyond fedded up that hanging those Frenchies from their toes at Ford would not even begin to help me feel better, but anyway, I am feeling fedded up again.

China is fucking with the Internet again in some vain attempt to make sure that no one can order dinner from the local market. We are talking about millions of people who cannot make a decision under any circumstances now being deprived of what?  It is not like they can even figure out how to buy train tickets. They cannot. Repeated requests to both experts and regular travelers will be get a response of  "no, you cannot do that".  It is not possible to buy first class, it is not possible to pick a train, it is not possible to pick your seat. These are the people that are going to overtake the world, the same people who cannot bring you a glass of ice water in a "Western" hotel. Do not even get me started again on the the no meat beef hamburger.

That leaves me with CNN International. And Anderson, Piers and Obama. To borrow a phrase from that wacko bitch in Oklahoma, Help Me Rhonda. Yes, I have been reduced to so few entertainment resources I have read The Pioneer Woman Blog.  And the Anti-blog. That is why I drink. These people are fucked up.

Why is Anderson on global television in a purple wig when he was only a lad? Why is Piers interviewing Chelsea Handler with a martini she refuses to drink? Why is Obama fund-raising in Texas not far from the devastating fires while not mentioning the destruction? After he, Obama, flew over the over flowing banks of the Mississippi while not even looking out the window of Air Force One. I liked Harrison Ford on Air Force One better. I wish I had a copy of that movie here in the boondocks of hell.

And I hate to keep going back to Anderson but when did he get so fucking weird. He was showing another asshole, I can't recall his name, and he was putting Anderson's picture on a chart with peanut butter. I am serious, the peanut butter was the attachment feature.

So now I am wondering how long I can stay in this hell hole without losing my mind. I can do about 3 days without the NYT crossword and then I get nasty.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Okay, it is time to get serious

These are my Toms shoes.

Toms gives away a pair of shoes for every pair they sell. These are not expensive shoes, mine were less than 60 US dollars, I got them at Nordstroms. And they glitter, every Chinese woman loves glitter and will chase me down the streets of Shanghai for these beauties.

These are Big Daddy's new slippers

I think he paid a whole 3 dollars US and I doubt the maker of the slippers got a buck. And if you could see his toes you would applaud the socks on. Trust me here. See, even Hideaneye Junior is passing out from the smell.

It is what it is, everything here is cheap and phony and I wonder what stuff in the US is actually real.

Ya know, you can buy phony Chinese beer here. I kid you not. And who the fuck would even know the difference since it is all served at room temperature. And believe me these are not room temps you have ever experienced.

Pity pays

That is what they are saying on CNN International. That is why a sister cut off part of her brother's penis. I wish we would get another channel here because I am goint to have to hear about this penis for 4 to 6 months.

This is my tiger. Look at those teeth. Forget about the penis.

20 quai and I gave the guy a 5 quai tip.

It also appears I need photography lessons, maybe it is good that the teeth are blurry.

These are the buffalo next to the 5 star hotel that provide the prized shit you rub on your head.

And this is the butler that takes mommy's wine up to her room after dinner. He was tired of telling people to put their shoes on. And you know all this fun was not that much more than a Hampton Hotel in Iowa.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Dirty Dancing

Remember that last scene in the movie where Patrick Swayze is bending Baby like she is a limp twig, back and forth. Quite violently. That is what my ayi was doing to the filthy mop today. It was oddly amusing. Things were bouncing about and making noise and she just kept mopping. With her filthy mop. At one point she handed me a screw. I have a thought that the screw fell out of the Ikea chair, this is the Ikea chair every ex-pat owns. The chair is pretty ugly so if it falls apart I will be okay with that. Except Big Daddy will have to sit on the floor to read his books and he may bitch.

As promised the new Internet Police are working hard at making sure no one can access the crossword puzzles. Internet off today twice and I am sick about this. How will I know what Rex Parker thinks about the puzzle. Half the fun of doing the puzzle is getting everyone's take on the content and construction.

So after I finish cleaning the apartment I guess I need to think about a new chair. Well, what I really need to think about is some pieces I feel I need to make this place better. I want some plates or trays for the "coffee table" and I still need to get that poster framed. How many people haul a poster half way around the world and leave it in a canister in a drawer?

Big Daddy is downloading the pictures Punkin Head sent for Mothers's Day and I need to download the buffalo roaming, oh yes and take a picture of the tiger.

On a lighter note, my mother who has not contacted me in over a year, hid her marriage like it was a joining of the Clampetts to the house of Charlie Sheen and who cannot email as she has no Internet access sent me a fucking chain-mail that if I resend it to 5 people  I can  find out if I am an awesome mother. Gotta love it.

Off to look for more screws and to sanitize the floors.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Sunday snippets on Saturday

I am hopeful the IBS subsides and I can leave the apartment tomorrow so snippets today:

Have not made the final pick for the Kentucky Derby, leaning to Twice The Appeal and Midnight Interlude.

Pictures from BFE turned out great will publish next week.

According to the hotel staff I am still beautiful, however they did let it slip that May 19 is the new "Government" traveling day and, gasp, a Superstar would perform at the plaza. Thank you Miss Molly for the warning not to be in town that day.

Not that I am a bitch or anything, but if one more person at the airport or train station approaches me to let me know that there is a new-fangled thing called a taxi I swear I will attack them like a blonde with dark roots and no hair dye. And trust me, that is one ugly thing to see.

Just a silly thought

There are millions, and I am not making this up, millions of people here who need jobs.

Now there are just so many twig brooms that can be made. Especially after all the branches of the trees are pruned off and there is no more new growth.

How to employ the masses? Hmm.

Now just for shits and giggles lets pretend you build a new train station. Say you build this train station in the boondocks with lots and lots of vacant and useless land stretching for miles and miles. Also, I think we should put a 3 mile entry road good for at least 6 lanes of traffic, with 4 sharp angled turns leading up to this palace of travel. Also since your cousin owns the cement factory there should be a couple nice roads that lead to nowhere.

This train station needs to build high up on the ground with steep stairs. It needs to be very compact as at some time in future, the distant future, you may need to expand, until then you can graze some lucky buffalo for your second cousins.

You will not need a large parking lot for the train station as very few people actually own automobiles and those that do have no fucking clue how to drive and park them. And truth be told Chinese people only need 2 spaces; one to stand in and one to aspire to. These seem to merge into one communal mosh pit of humanity called "our spot".

Now can we discuss the cost saves which in any other country would either get you a plaque at a very bad breakfast or a lawsuit from OSHA, depending of course on who you knew.

No steps are needed to reach the platform, real men can lift there cardboard boxes and Hello Kitty bags over the mud embankment and up the 2 feet to get on the slippery slope to the entrance. You should build the escalators up the (5 flights of stairs) top of the platform (Uncle needs the money you need the guanji), but do not turn that on. It is not green.

Okay, so we have performed a public service by building transportation using the  huge bit of space and performed our civic duty in not using electricity to move the masses of squished people up 5 flights of granite stairs in the rain through a blocked off entry at the top and I ask you this, where are the employees?

Just a thought, instead of the 6 idiots staring at the automatic doors that do not work, and the 8 idiots that do not know how to work the security belt and work the wand, and the 5 guys staring at the clean road with the twig brooms, How About Porters? You know, people that drag your bags all over the travesty you call a train station and get you water and make you happy.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Team Building

This is quite popular now in China, I have no idea why.

These fuckers never paid for me to come over here, they did not help me with my visa or travel plans, and they never contacted me, ever.

And now these assholes want me to go on a trip to an island in Shanghai to team build with them.


My best guess would be these people never worked with Ford, never had to chase their hairdresser around the salon with a very hot curling iron and never called their customer a rat fucker.

If this was Survivor I would win before I got on the boat.

I would be the only one on the boat.

Fertility in China, or how to keep your testicles

Every thing in China is fertile, the ground because they burn it on a regular basis, outside my 5 star hotel.

The buffalo because they eat the garbage outside my 5 star hotel.

The people because they rub the buffalo shit on their heads, this is from a Chinese person knowledgeable in shit rubbing.

**It is lucky to rub buffalo shit on your head if you are a poor Chinese sucker, this has not worked so far but they keep the faith.

The waiter that gets the white, blond haired woman as a customer gets extra tips when he has to tell the assholes to put their shoes back on in the restaurant. Fertile ground.

Not so fertile is the ground the supplier is walking when asking us to go to dinners of whirly birds, and Kareoke (sp) and massages. What the fuck, I am not getting naked, singing and eating out of the same bowl with you. Nuhuh, nada, never, no way.

And if you really want to how I feel about this just come around for dinner one night, you might just get your balls squashed, not very fertile for you.