Wednesday, May 25, 2011

With every silver lining there is a black cloud

When we emerged from the train station in Podunk we were surrounded by a loud and crazed mob of men. They were actually in a frenzy, shouting and fighting with each other as they kept gesturing for us to go with them. As we were supposed to be picked up by the supplier I was a bit reticent to go with this mob of heathens anywhere. And a good thing too. They were the red metal over a motorcycle taxi driver drivers looking for a fare. Just as I was in phase 3 of my English Second Language teaching skills a woman approached us and helped to sort this out. Big Daddy was no help, he was on the phone with his guy (who also appears to need my English lessons) and he was starting to have a China meltdown of his own.

Rule one, only one person in the marriage is allowed to melt down at a time. The other one must stay strong and fight off the infidels with all means handy. All I had was a loud cursing voice (James Earl Jones) and an empty container of Mentos. Moving on . . .

We were exuberantly greeted by my number fan, forcefully ushering us inside to enjoy the cups of cold tea and hot towels. I coughed, then had to spend a lot of time explaining that people who are not used to living in highly polluted tend to cough when the delicate nose and throat passages become irritated by all the crap in the air in a semi-developing country. She brought me a special pot of tea made specially by the chef, it was special. Every time I turn around I have special tea. Because I do not have a calloused throat from the particles of shit floating around.

Rule two, just smile and don't try to talk, it will save some of your sanity and you won't have to talk anymore.

We went to dinner and I got another clay figurine, a pig. I love pigs, have for years, especially red pigs. This is a white pig with big red lips. Somehow got involved in ordering a dragon clay creature. For the next night at dinnertime. Went down for breakfast. The fuckers are chasing me around with this fucking dragon that is on a stick. I cannot deal with this shit before coffee.

Went back to the room and waited to see if the IBS would roll the dice and to watch Piers and Anderson as the apartment TV is fucked up and I miss my buds. All was good so I turned on the Make-up room button and went on with my life. At 2 back in the room and no cleaning, so I turn on the privacy sign and get ready to become beautiful again. This takes a lot of work. As I am putting on the magic potions the phone starts ringing. Answer the one in the bath after I get the potions wiped of the fingers and hear: Jabba, jabba, jabba. This continued for 2 more phone calls until I finally got a phone from an English speaker. She told me my DOD was on. That stands for Do not disturb.

Rule three, do not get into a serious discussion with the Chinese unless you have large quantities of wine on hand. Not the crazy stuff, just regular red rotgut.

Went down to dinner and got chased around again by the dragon guy and all the staff. Almost blew and just made it to the table. Told the hostess I needed immediate Hong Jo and towels in the room. And that I was having too much China today. Big Daddy stepped up to the plate after I hit him on the head with my paperback in the elevator and handled it all superbly.

Just before dinner Big Daddy called for towels and soap and water. When we got back he was going to call again but I insisted he go down and just fix it in person. Then the people showed up at our door. Then Big Daddy talked to them. Then I talked to them. Then the manager came up. Then we all talked. Then I showed him the buttons on the wall that and went over the entire time line one more time. And explained about Chinese phone calls to a . . .

Rule number four, paperbacks are better for getting someone's attention and Big Daddy just got a huge complimentary fruit bowl. I got a soggy dragon I am babysitting with the desk light to harden it up for 25 quai and a lot of  bullshit.

Funny of the day: Big Daddy got a new business card today from some guy from Portugal, he is an Engenner and his title is Expert In Sppoting. He said he knew his card had mistakes in spelling but they are very expensive.

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