Monday, May 4, 2009

Detroit Traffic Report

According to Big Daddy, one of the few still working in Detroit, there is hardly any traffic. Assembly plants down, schools down, most people with sense staying home. Wonder if the gas will go up or down. He had to go to London, Ontario today and hardly any trucks on the 401. The judge isn't making any quick decisions on Chrysler and I missed my call to Marvin. I was sitting and waiting, all ready to call, and I got really entranced by the new James Patterson 8th Confession and I could not put it down. Then I had to re-charge my ecigarettes and fill them up and the next thing I knew I missed the window. Damn, now I have to wait til Thursday. And that book is going to have me antsy for days.

Well, back to the Clampetts. Now on my regular schedule I get up at 4AM. If there are problems earlier. So I am laying in bed and I wake up to the most horrendous noise and notice it is 3:30 in the morning. This noise is scaring me as I think something really bad is happening. I get Big Daddy awake and we start peering out the windows, and what do we observe? Jed Clampett throwing large metal things from his cargo van onto the street. He is parked on the street and cleaning out his van very loudly at 3:30 in the morning. WTF. He is in "Heating and Cooling" and apparently looking for a lost furnace by the size of the shit he was throwing in the street. Now Mrs. Clampett is always looking real Grosse Pointe in her skirts and pearls and Jed is CLEANING out his van on what is the middle of the night for most people on my street. As I pulled out to go to work in the dark I wonder what I may drive over to flat my tires. And those tires cost $250 a pop.

About two years ago the city started leaving paint markings on the sidewalks. There were strange number and different colors. Big Daddy explained the city was replacing sidewalks and driveway aprons and the colors were for who paid, us or them. This created quite a few hassles as were are on a dead-end street. Well, one day I arrived home to once again confront the cement trucks when I noticed there where gaping holes in the sidewalks. They were finally finishing up, hooray. Big Daddy was happy and watched all this from the porch as that is something men do. Watch cement pouring workers, working.

I was inside doing wifely things when I heard Big Daddy hollering. Big Daddy hollering is never good as he is a pretty quiet guy. When I got outside he and the cement guy are talking and the neighbor is asking who did this, this being all the fresh cement was carved up. The spawns of the Clampetts had taken their $75.00 Leatherman tools and dug up some cement from every slab on the street. I would say 8 or 9 slabs. Mr. Cement Supervisor is not happy, Big Daddy is his witness, and here comes Jed. And the nice Mexican cement finisher is blowing his top. Next thing I see is a rumble getting ready to start in the street. I call 911 and tell the lady, this is gonna get ugly. Mr. Cement Supervisor also called and a minute later here comes Grosse Pointe's finest. Now I have seen them send 3 cars for a lost dog but we get one car for a re-enactment of West Side Story. As Jed is loudly telling the police that his kids did nothing wrong, Juan explodes and goes for Jed while Mrs. Clampett tries to sucker punch Juan and the supervisor. This is great entertainment in a town not known for fisticuffs in the street.

The policeman was wishing he had help as he had to get Jed to apologize to Juan or Juan would not fix the cement. Now Jed proudly proclaimed he would pay for all the cement, I am sure not realizing how much this cement would cost. I have personal experience with this one. If Juan fixed the slabs it would be $600.00 per slab or it would be a do-over. Jed sucked it up and said sorry, the cop guarded Juan, and the Clampett kids moved on to carving up trees after that episode. By the way, these kids were about 4 and 5 and both have expensive Leatherman tools. I nearly choked when I bought mine and I used it for work.

How do I know how much cements costs? When Punkin Head started to drive he had a brand new Jeep. And he drove it through 3,000 yards of newly laid street in the Grosse Pointes. The garbage men turned him in and when poor Dr. Blank got home to find 4 boys, a hose, and the police in his driveway the gig was up. The bill came in the mail a few days later. Cement is not cheap.

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