Sunday, May 3, 2009

Let Me Tell You A Story About a Man named Jed

The house 2 doors down had the most beautiful roses I have ever seen in my life. They were huge, tall, lush and bloomed all summer. Gorgeous. A very old lady lived there and the lawn boy (mowed until he was 22) took care of the yard. Now the lawn boy, using his own equipment, mowed, weed whacked, edged, removed the debris and did leaf cleanup in the fall for $10.00 a week. This was in the late 90's. Big Daddy gave him a $2.00 raise after a few years. He did 4 or 5 houses and made his gas money. Took him a couple of hours.

Well, the old lady died, lawn boy retired, the Al Quedas were living next door and ta-da . . .the Clampetts moved in. Mr. Al Queda sold them the house. The house was dated but clean and neat. Well the first thing Jed did was to have Mrs. Clampett (Jed never does outdoor work) put Playschool Plastic all over the front yard. Under the HUGE 50 foot tall Crimson Maple was a sand box, picnic table, and a plastic disc attached to the tree for swinging. This in a 30 x 30 yard.

The first thing the darling children did was to completely trample a 12 x 3 spring bulb and flower bed while trying to tear down the neighbors decorative white picket fence. Then there was no grass left in the playground. So there were 2 mud holes that spring, but thankfully they dried up to just plain dirt in time for the Clampetts first and last annual Memorial Day party. Well as the guests began arriving the Clampetts soon realized they had no outdoor seating. Problem solved-they took the Al Queda's furniture off their brand new deck. By the way, they kept it and Mr. Al Queda was afraid to ask for it back. (More on that another time)

Since the seating problem was solved they now moved on to the entertain issue. See, they had another problem. They could not entertain in their backyard as they had never mowed the grass and a fishing boat was back there, as was most of their clothing and eating utensils. So they set up a horse shoe throwing contest on the boulevard section of their lawn-creeping into the neighbors houses on both sides. They placed the stolen chairs and the beer cooler on the sidewalk and they were good to go. Unfortunately so was the neighbors BBQ. So now you got the guys in suits and ties trying make their way thru the horse shoe contest. Thank goodness Jed lost the boat in the friendly betting game. Had to use the Al Queda driveway to get the boat in and out, but I sure Mr. Al Queda didn't mind as he confiscated my driveway once.

The Clampetts then decided to renovate. This involved removing their window screen and some of their siding. Months later there were reports of the Clampett children sitting on the lower roof naked outside the windows with no screens. Then the tree died.

Well we were fedded up as my French colleagues say. Someone overheard Jed saying he would buy a keg and get his buds to take down the tree. NO NO NO. City explained about permits and restriction. Cost him $2,500.00. Then most of his appliances ended up in his driveway. Garage door not closed for weeks. Neighborhood was simmering. Then Mrs. Clampett disappeared. Permit stuck to the door to allow work done on the premises. Permits have a limit and on the last day everyone was poised to go to the city. The only reason we were worried about Mrs. Clampett is that no one mowed the weeds since she left. We were hoping she left an abusive relationship. Jed is rather vocal in his opinions of others, including his family, usually swearing his head off.

Well the house got finished, kinda, Mrs. Clampett came back, the police are there off and on, and the children are now the ring leaders of the hooligans. Once I heard Mrs. Clampett asking the police why no one tells her of the problems. We are all terrified of them.

Tomorrow, bumps in the night and the sidewalk wars.


  1. And I thought my neighbors were strange! There are not any Clampetts on my street, but possibly a troll. Who only comes out at night.

  2. HILARIOUS! You should inquire as to whether they have family in SC, as I think his brother and sister-in-law may be living across the street from us. I also want to know why Mr. Al Queda is afraid to ask for his deck furniture back? Al Queda vs. Jed Clampett seems like a no-brainer...